stuck in between. im not supposed to be!! (go back »)

mkei. this is not something i am very fond of writing about.. bcoz i feel i've grown out of that whole thing. my love life is very.. very complicated i should say. bcoz its a tangled mess as of now.

i think i am falling for 5573 which makes me scared. bcoz its hard to start over again. when with roel i was already so comfortable in my own skin. he accepted me. i knew i was fat, and that was ok for the time being when i was with him. and that was probably one of the biggest issues with the acceptance thing. i dont know how or where to start over anymore. i\'ve really pushed myself to let it all go and get over him. and im pretty darn sure i have. bcoz the feelings just not there anymore.. but, i still think about it and him sometimes i admit. i dont wanna admit it to kavin. but i admit it to myself which is more important. theyre both so different though. i dont know. gaawwd why is this so hard? why did he have to do all those things? why did he have to cheat? i will never forget how he and my friend sharina had sex while WE were still together. i mean i know i didnt get mad at her bcoz she had remarkably great timing. coz we\'ve gone a long way as friends, but i still hope she understands that she iS STiLL MY FRiEND and it was PARTLY HER FAULT.  i hate the excuse of \'being drunk\' fuck that man. sooner or later people will have to be responsible for their actions. and they have to let people know sooner. garrsh i cant believe i was played for about a year. how stupid am i? im supposed to be the smart one! i was mad at him. sorta still am. bcoz i trusted him. and i trusted her! and everyone waited until that time to tell me what they knew. which made me look like a fool over and over again bcoz i didnt believe them at first then everything turned out oh-so-true. well yey for me. arrghh. he looke me straight in the eye and told me that it was all a lie. and he told me that it was only me. and i was so stupid enough to believe him.

well. lets change that topic. kavin is really good to me. what worries me is that i may not be able to give him the love he wants/needs/thinks i can. i can love. i know i can. but i think maybe he\'s expecting a tinsyy bit too too much. just a little. coz i may have to make him wait even if i plan on being his on august 8 of 2008. coz i keep thinking about that whole being comfortable and acceptance thing. he calls me \'baboy\' lge. which really bothers me. which i think he knows. which i cant tell him to stop coz that would really be embarrassing. not like before with roel. my parents confronted him. and he started to slowly appreciate what i had. oh God my boobs are tiny!! thats another thing too. i guess i dont need to go into farther details than that.

but kavin is the sweetest. and i really feel he\'s sincere. and hes the type of guys youre scared to hurt and lose. bcoz when he lets go, he\'ll make sure you never get a hold of him in any way you can ever again. which really really really scares me. coz im not the best girlfriend. hes putting out so much effort.. and i hope i get to be comfortable around him too. coz i think he and i can work out. its just really hard not to keep thinking about the past which i tried so hard to bury. keeps coming back. sucks. yes. it does. i cant be unfair to kavin though. coz i\'ve shown alot of signs that says yes. so in the end if it turns out to be no. that would make me the liar. maybe i\'m rushing into things?? but then.. if i dont take ahold of this opportunity with him., i may never have that opportunity again. ;c

what am i to do??? boohuhu.. im so stuck. but for now. im really thankful for everything kavin has done for me. and really worried that i\'d have a hard time coping even up to now. and really scared of jumping into the ring again and starting over. and really confused about everything thats happened and how im feeling and what i really want. bcoz honestly i love how things are right now. i have someone [kavin] but im not committed. does that make me a bad person? like im using him? coz im not. i just really love being single and free to do anything i want!! im young! im in my last year of highschool! and im free! but im still.. stuck afljiaejfaiwen!! but i am really hurt about alot of things too. i am happy but in some twisted aspect im sad and mad and nervous. love isnt supposed to feel this way. why does it feel this way??

In ` love life as it is..