dear me.. [♥]

mkei. this is not something i am very fond of writing about.. bcoz i feel i've grown out of that whole thing. my love life is very.. very complicated i should say. bcoz its a tangled mess as of now.

i think i am falling for 5573 which makes me scared. bcoz its hard to start over again. when with roel i was already so comfortable in my own skin. he accepted me. i knew i was fat, and that was ok for the time being when i was with him. and that was probably one of the biggest issues with the acceptance thing. i dont know how or where to start over anymore. i\'ve really pushed myself to let it all go and get over him. and im pretty darn sure i have. bcoz the feelings just not there anymore.. but, i still think about it and him sometimes i admit. i dont wanna admit it to kavin. but i admit it to myself which is more important. theyre both so different though. i dont know. gaawwd why is this so hard? why did he have to do all those things? why did he have to cheat? i will never forget how he and my friend sharina had sex while WE were still together. i mean i know i didnt get mad at her bcoz she had remarkably great timing. coz we\'ve gone a long way as friends, but i still hope she understands that she iS STiLL MY FRiEND and it was PARTLY HER FAULT.  i hate the excuse of \'being drunk\' fuck that man. sooner or later people will have to be responsible for their actions. and they have to let people know sooner. garrsh i cant believe i was played for about a year. how stupid am i? im supposed to be the smart one! i was mad at him. sorta still am. bcoz i trusted him. and i trusted her! and everyone waited until that time to tell me what they knew. which made me look like a fool over and over again bcoz i didnt believe them at first then everything turned out oh-so-true. well yey for me. arrghh. he looke me straight in the eye and told me that it was all a lie. and he told me that it was only me. and i was so stupid enough to believe him.

well. lets change that topic. kavin is really good to me. what worries me is that i may not be able to give him the love he wants/needs/thinks i can. i can love. i know i can. but i think maybe he\'s expecting a tinsyy bit too too much. just a little. coz i may have to make him wait even if i plan on being his on august 8 of 2008. coz i keep thinking about that whole being comfortable and acceptance thing. he calls me \'baboy\' lge. which really bothers me. which i think he knows. which i cant tell him to stop coz that would really be embarrassing. not like before with roel. my parents confronted him. and he started to slowly appreciate what i had. oh God my boobs are tiny!! thats another thing too. i guess i dont need to go into farther details than that.

but kavin is the sweetest. and i really feel he\'s sincere. and hes the type of guys youre scared to hurt and lose. bcoz when he lets go, he\'ll make sure you never get a hold of him in any way you can ever again. which really really really scares me. coz im not the best girlfriend. hes putting out so much effort.. and i hope i get to be comfortable around him too. coz i think he and i can work out. its just really hard not to keep thinking about the past which i tried so hard to bury. keeps coming back. sucks. yes. it does. i cant be unfair to kavin though. coz i\'ve shown alot of signs that says yes. so in the end if it turns out to be no. that would make me the liar. maybe i\'m rushing into things?? but then.. if i dont take ahold of this opportunity with him., i may never have that opportunity again. ;c

what am i to do??? boohuhu.. im so stuck. but for now. im really thankful for everything kavin has done for me. and really worried that i\'d have a hard time coping even up to now. and really scared of jumping into the ring again and starting over. and really confused about everything thats happened and how im feeling and what i really want. bcoz honestly i love how things are right now. i have someone [kavin] but im not committed. does that make me a bad person? like im using him? coz im not. i just really love being single and free to do anything i want!! im young! im in my last year of highschool! and im free! but im still.. stuck afljiaejfaiwen!! but i am really hurt about alot of things too. i am happy but in some twisted aspect im sad and mad and nervous. love isnt supposed to feel this way. why does it feel this way??

Posted in ` love life as it is..

yea i gotta be real careful about what i say about this one. but yea.. things are ok with my family i guess. well they could actually be ALOT better but hey who am i to complain? im only their daughter. lol ;]

hm.. well i dont think it can get any more disfunctional than this but its ok.. what family isnt right? im just thinking that things will never be the same again. especially with my brother and mom. who used to be like peanut butter and freaking jelly. in a way i think my mom really did something wrong.. but i dont really know when really they both did.. its just a matter of i think handling the situationa and timing ofcourse. and ofcourse yes i have to admit.. it is hard to accept what has happened and what is still happening. i really hope this isnt permanent.. the thing with my mom. its not that im embarrassed. actually im curious to see what people's reactions would be. but i really dont like how my family has turned out. i'd hate to have a family of my own that turned out this way. how its so divided and 2sided and i feel every time i turn to another parent they're saying one thing or another about eachother. my brother does it now too. about my mom. which i hate. because she's still our mom no matter how wrong she did. i mean i feel sorry for my mom sometimes. i dont think it should all be easy for her, but i dont think we should make it hard for her. shes been through alot for us, but when i think about it.. this isnt the first time it happened. but then i think, 'but why is it sorta ok that my dad did something like this.. was it because he did it with an opposite sex?' i just dont want to do anything that would hurt my mom. i know she gets hurt. im her daughter and i choose not to be numb with her.

i know my dad gets hurt too. i admit i have alot of weekends that i've missed with him. when i should be with him. i'm gonna start a goals list and one of those goals is to spend more time with dad ;] hes been through plenty too. and for me sometimes i think hes the one that loses. because he was accused, and my grandparents think hes the one who did everything wrong, he cant let his side be known [which is actually the truth], he had to find a new place, he was seperated from us, and life really is touch on your own. a job isnt even enough to sustain your needs. i miss my dad at home though. i say sometimes that its better that they've broken up but hey??! what girl/boy/daughter/son/anyone wants their mom and dad like this or let alone split up right?! i know i dont. but i guess i've accepted. i know things aren't gonna change for a while.. so i learned to just accept it. its gonna hurt less i think. and i think sometimes that i've cried for all the wrong reasons. especially when my mom gets mad at my dad all the time and i'd know about it especially that one time. because my mom never got caught with what she had going on. so i think its always unfair how everything works out.

like, my mom.. we're more concerned about her having someone else while they were together that when our dad had someone else. and like, my dad how he couldnt say a word about what he knew was going down with my mom and someone else when we found out about his. we honestly had no clue.. thats what bugs me too. is that all along everyone including me thought that we had such a great and put together family. too many secrets and lies. i wonder when it ends. well, i know not with me. coz im no saint either. but, i think its what they atleast owe us.. im so mixed up right now.

im worried about how my brother might turn out to be becoz of this. especially with his relationship with our mom. its not fair. it really isnt. i wonder if this is some kind of plan of God or something. im worried my time and efforts spent are not enough. im worried that im the only one who cares. and im scared because.. i dont want this to be all that we [as a family] will ever be..

i love my family, i do. i loved it when it was whole, i loved it as i watched it fall apart, and i still love it as it is broken. i may have issues with it. but i love it. i may be hurt by it. but i love it. it may be the only thing that i will keep loving after i have been hurt by it so many times. i've made so many sacrifices for it too. and yea in the end.. its still pretty damn unfair for me too.

Posted in ` family..

well. this is my first entry bout my day. and all i can say is that its not much. lol, its just a whole bunch of sitting on my ass and typing.. maybe eating a little bit [but i'm trying to cut back for the time being that i am here in the states] and i am exercising [again im taking advantage of the gym here]. thats about it.

so i woke up around almost 11ish.. i didnt get up until almost 12ish just coz i was watching something on tv. then i ate breakfast which was cereal [honey bunches of oats mixed with cinammon toast crunch] and my uncle and cousin were already eating their breakfast by then. so then i washed the dishes and started to sit on my ass and used the computer. yea.. thats basically the whole part of my day. i ate some bites of corned beef too at around 3ish?? coz yea i got hungry. and a little bit of a cookie that i've been eating for 3days now. some taisan and a few bites of 'pancit' mm.. yummy. but i think i ate alot already!!

my grandpa cooked some really good chicken barbeque. yum! but we're all trying to cut down in this house which is really sort of funny. so theres no rice. just bread. and veggies. and some other stuff. lol.. my grandma came and we worked out. and MAN i WAS SO BEAT!! that was probably the most i worked out ever!! i ran 3miles, then i did some 150 situps or something.. then joined my grandma at dance steps.. which was actually really fun and i enjoyed it because it involved me shaking my ass. lol.. the instructress and i had some kind of showdown with shaking. haha! and dammnn was i tired. then we went to alderwood just to buy redmango yogurt which is delicious i should say.. but not better than cold stone which i'm trying very hard to hold back from because its sooo fattening! i know right.. im 15 and worrying about calories?? well. thats how it is these days. everyones either fat or skinny. and im under fat.

speaking of fat. it annoys me how people in the philippines would always judge and compare like that. i mean.. im not fat. im not skinny either. but if they didnt point out to me everytime i looked like i'd grown i probably wouldnt be as mad as my body as i am. i'd probably like my body! but anyway..

well. then i ate dinner. a little of chicken breast and some bread and veggies. theni ate my yogurt ;] oh i forgot.. i showered too before i ate ofcourse coz i was soo wet from sweat! damn! haha.

im gonna start reading the purpose driven too. maybe i can find some reassurance or something. or maybe i can find something that can make me skinnier, make my boobs bigger, and my mind less paranoid. ;] jp.. thats about it.

Posted in ` daily life..

arrghh.. im really frustrated right now. i've been in seattle for about a month now. and i've only hung out with some of my friends. and thats REALLY hanging out. not like, 'hi hello bye' kind of thing.

i mean. yea they're busy sure.. or whatever they dont wanna be the ones to plan. but they atleast gotta try. even my grandpa was disappionted bout it. coz they dont even take the initiative to plan nothing!! i hung with joshie though.. hes the best i swear. and atleast nadine always keeps in contact with me. arrgh.. what the heck is going on? i mean how many times am i coming back here or visiting here and they cant even give a few hours of their oh-so-busy day..

even roseanne who is my best friend.. doesnt even take the wheel to plan anything. i dont even think she wants to see or hang out with me. wtf??! arrghh.. i cant stop saying that! damnit. they've been waiting for me to come.. and now what?? omg.. i cant stand it.

Posted in ` the friends.