dear me.. [♥]

omg.. i didnt think that by reading the purpose driven life it would make my cry even a little. well.. its coz it really made me think. it was chapter 2 and it was about me not being an accident and how God chose everything about me even who my parents would be. and even the pain that i'm going though is under his plan. well. maybe the whole thing with my family is a plan of his to mold who i am. and that really made me.. cry.

Posted in ` family..

yea i gotta be real careful about what i say about this one. but yea.. things are ok with my family i guess. well they could actually be ALOT better but hey who am i to complain? im only their daughter. lol ;]

hm.. well i dont think it can get any more disfunctional than this but its ok.. what family isnt right? im just thinking that things will never be the same again. especially with my brother and mom. who used to be like peanut butter and freaking jelly. in a way i think my mom really did something wrong.. but i dont really know when really they both did.. its just a matter of i think handling the situationa and timing ofcourse. and ofcourse yes i have to admit.. it is hard to accept what has happened and what is still happening. i really hope this isnt permanent.. the thing with my mom. its not that im embarrassed. actually im curious to see what people's reactions would be. but i really dont like how my family has turned out. i'd hate to have a family of my own that turned out this way. how its so divided and 2sided and i feel every time i turn to another parent they're saying one thing or another about eachother. my brother does it now too. about my mom. which i hate. because she's still our mom no matter how wrong she did. i mean i feel sorry for my mom sometimes. i dont think it should all be easy for her, but i dont think we should make it hard for her. shes been through alot for us, but when i think about it.. this isnt the first time it happened. but then i think, 'but why is it sorta ok that my dad did something like this.. was it because he did it with an opposite sex?' i just dont want to do anything that would hurt my mom. i know she gets hurt. im her daughter and i choose not to be numb with her.

i know my dad gets hurt too. i admit i have alot of weekends that i've missed with him. when i should be with him. i'm gonna start a goals list and one of those goals is to spend more time with dad ;] hes been through plenty too. and for me sometimes i think hes the one that loses. because he was accused, and my grandparents think hes the one who did everything wrong, he cant let his side be known [which is actually the truth], he had to find a new place, he was seperated from us, and life really is touch on your own. a job isnt even enough to sustain your needs. i miss my dad at home though. i say sometimes that its better that they've broken up but hey??! what girl/boy/daughter/son/anyone wants their mom and dad like this or let alone split up right?! i know i dont. but i guess i've accepted. i know things aren't gonna change for a while.. so i learned to just accept it. its gonna hurt less i think. and i think sometimes that i've cried for all the wrong reasons. especially when my mom gets mad at my dad all the time and i'd know about it especially that one time. because my mom never got caught with what she had going on. so i think its always unfair how everything works out.

like, my mom.. we're more concerned about her having someone else while they were together that when our dad had someone else. and like, my dad how he couldnt say a word about what he knew was going down with my mom and someone else when we found out about his. we honestly had no clue.. thats what bugs me too. is that all along everyone including me thought that we had such a great and put together family. too many secrets and lies. i wonder when it ends. well, i know not with me. coz im no saint either. but, i think its what they atleast owe us.. im so mixed up right now.

im worried about how my brother might turn out to be becoz of this. especially with his relationship with our mom. its not fair. it really isnt. i wonder if this is some kind of plan of God or something. im worried my time and efforts spent are not enough. im worried that im the only one who cares. and im scared because.. i dont want this to be all that we [as a family] will ever be..

i love my family, i do. i loved it when it was whole, i loved it as i watched it fall apart, and i still love it as it is broken. i may have issues with it. but i love it. i may be hurt by it. but i love it. it may be the only thing that i will keep loving after i have been hurt by it so many times. i've made so many sacrifices for it too. and yea in the end.. its still pretty damn unfair for me too.

Posted in ` family..